(c)  2012 by Judy Lightstone

 Couples Therapy tends to be more efficient than individual therapy because you get to work through your issues together, as a team, and there is less tendency to relapse because it is easier for an individual to change when the couple system changes with them. Relationship counselling offers a safe place where each person can be heard, first by the therapist, and ultimately by each other.  Sometimes the therapist acts as a translator, but never as a referee. It helps to start by exploring the strengths of the relationship, and what makes for positive mutual experiences.

In working with couples or other relationships, I have found the following combination of approaches to be most effective:

 Somatic CouplesTherapy:  Incorporating bodily awareness work into couples therapy is very powerful and effective,  most especially for deescalating fights and working through sexual issues. Paying attention to things such things as eye contact, tone and volume of voice, physical distance, posture, facial expressions, and hand movements is critical for effectively establishing safety within the relationship and for resolving impasses as 90% of all communication is non-verbal, even though most forms of therapy only concentrate on the 10% that is verbal. By paying attention to and changing non-verbal communications  between couples, deep change can occur rather quickly. This not only changes relationships, it changes one's physical and emotional experience within the relationship.

 Systems Therapy helps us to understand how interactions throughout the family system affect each partner. Changing the patterns of interactions can make a profound difference for the individuals concerned. This approach involves the use of a genogram- which is like an emotional family tree that maps out the family system pictorially, going up at least one or two generations to reveal generational patterns for each person. This is a way for both partners to get a history, and to see how that history may be repeating itself in present patterns of behaviour, which offers opportunities for change.

 John Gottman developed a scientifically based approach to couples therapy from his extensive observations of and research with couples and families in his lab. One of his most  important contributions, in my opinion, is the concept of the emotional bank account.   He explains that for every negative encounter there should be at least 5 positive encounters in the "bank account" to help the couple get through hard times.  He emphasizes ways to build up this account in preparation for when it is needed. He also talks about recurrent problems, explaining that most (he says 60% ) of relationship problems are not solvable, and that it is how the couple engages in and moves through the problem each time it presents itself (again and again) that determines the success or failure of a relationship.

   Imago Therapy (Harville Hendrix) presents ways for partners to be more loving and compassionate with one another.  He says safety is the key to passion and intimacy. He suggests that we try to remember the ways we saw our partner when we first fell in love, and work through our tendencies to project our experiences with our parents onto our partners, so as to attain deep relational satisfaction. 

I combine all of these approaches, emphasizing whatever works best for each specific couple.

In addition, when relevant, I apply the insights I have gained from my experiences and specialisms in  trauma work and in working with eating and body image problems, to my approach to couples therapy.

 

I combine all of these approaches, emphasizing whatever works best for each specific individual, couple or family.

In addition, when relevant, I apply the insights I have gained from my experiences and specializations in  trauma work and in working with eating problems, to my approach to family therapy.
 

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(c)  2012 by Judy Lightstone

For non-traditional families and couples see: Relationship Counseling Page      

        * This article does not apply to couples struggling with physical or sexual abuse. Much stronger interventions are required in those cases to first and foremost keep all parties physically safe.  For resources on this topic, please see: http://www.womensrefuge.org.nz/need_help.asp