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Relationship Therapy
  
To learn more click here: About
Couples Therapy
To get help click here: Couples
Therapy
(c) 2012 by Judy Lightstone
Couples Therapy tends to be more efficient than individual therapy because
you get to work through your issues together, as a team,
and there is less tendency to relapse because it is easier for an individual
to change when the couple system changes with them.
Relationship counselling offers a safe place where each person can be heard,
first by the therapist, and ultimately by each other. Sometimes the
therapist acts as a translator, but never as a referee. It helps to start by
exploring the strengths of the relationship, and what makes for positive
mutual experiences.
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In working with
couples or other relationships, I have found the following combination
of approaches to be most effective:
Somatic
CouplesTherapy: Incorporating bodily awareness work into couples therapy is very powerful and effective, most
especially for deescalating fights and working through sexual issues.
Paying attention to things such things as eye contact, tone and volume
of voice, physical distance, posture, facial expressions, and hand
movements is critical for effectively establishing safety within the
relationship and for resolving impasses as 90% of all communication is non-verbal,
even though most forms of therapy only concentrate on the 10% that is
verbal. By paying attention to and changing non-verbal communications
between couples, deep change can occur rather quickly. This not only
changes relationships, it changes one's physical and emotional
experience within the relationship.
Systems
Therapy helps us to understand how interactions throughout the
family system affect each partner. Changing the patterns of
interactions can make a profound difference for the individuals
concerned. This approach involves the use of a
genogram- which is
like an emotional family tree that maps out the family system
pictorially, going up at least one or two generations to reveal
generational patterns for each person. This is a way for both partners to get a history,
and to see how that history may be repeating itself in present patterns
of behaviour, which offers opportunities for change.
John Gottman developed a
scientifically based approach to couples therapy from his
extensive observations of and research with couples and families in his
lab. One of his most
important contributions, in my opinion, is the concept of the
emotional bank account. He explains that for every negative
encounter there should be at least 5 positive encounters in the "bank
account" to help the couple get through hard times. He emphasizes ways
to build up this account in preparation for when it is needed. He also
talks about
recurrent problems,
explaining that most (he says 60% ) of relationship problems are not solvable, and that it is how
the couple engages in and moves through the problem each time it
presents itself (again and again) that determines the success or failure
of a relationship.
Imago
Therapy (Harville Hendrix) presents ways for partners to be more
loving and compassionate with one another. He says safety is the key to
passion and intimacy. He suggests that we try to remember
the ways we saw our partner when we first fell in love, and work through
our tendencies to project
our experiences with our parents onto our partners, so as to attain deep
relational satisfaction.
I combine all of these
approaches, emphasizing whatever works best for each specific
couple.
In addition, when
relevant, I apply the insights I have gained from my experiences and
specialisms in
trauma work
and in working with
eating
and body image problems,
to my approach to couples therapy.
*
This article does not apply to couples struggling with physical or sexual
abuse. Much stronger interventions are required in those cases to first
and foremost keep all parties physically safe. Couples therapy should
not be attempted in these cases until the abuse has clearly and permanently
been halted. For resources on this topic, please see:
http://www.womensrefuge.org.nz/need_help.asp
(c) 2012 by Judy
Lightstone
More Articles:
Psychotherapy
for Couples, Myths
and Truths about "Happy Couples"; Relationship
Issues; Power
and the family; Helping
a loved one with bulimia; Overcoming
Powerlessness; Feeding
the Family Non-Compulsively; Domestic
Violence;
Techniques
to Help Survivors of Childhood Abuse
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Auckland PSITM Institute